Chauntecleer of the Pricking Cock

Wow, I haven't written on here in awhile. I'll try to get a bit better about that. ^^ Needless to say, I am still alive.

I have just awoken from yet another dream/nightmare about that infamous girl, Carolina. Obviously, I used to like her. A lot. I met her at college last year, and at first, we got along very well and we hung out a fair amount. I didn't have much experience with girls (and still don't, actually), but I started to really like her. In the beginning it seemed to me that she was attracted to me too, because she laughed so much around me, and we had so many things to talk about in conversation. We shared tons of similar interests.

I've liked a few girls before her, but she was the first one that I actually had legitimate reasons to feel something for beyond the level of "she's gorgeous and I get butterflies looking at her." I actually got to know her a bit, and I enjoyed the companionship that she gave me. However, I made the mistake of telling her about my feelings way too early, and I think that scared her a bit. When she did not respond by telling me that she reciprocated those feelings, it was a blow to my ego because I was certain that she did like me. At that time, it seemed truly impossible for nothing to have been there between us.

All that was within the first month that I knew her. Her confusing non-response did not dim my feelings for her, however, and we continued to go out and have fun together. I did not put any pressure on her for a relationship after that initial time I told her about my feelings, because I genuinely liked her and only wished to continue to hang out with her and get to know her better. Her mere presence made me happy, despite not being able to be in a relationship with her.

(I know now that pursuing friendship with a girl that you like but doesn't like you the same way is a bad idea and only leads to emotional trauma. I was a pansy for trying so hard to get to know her better, and I could only appear somewhat desperate in her eyes for still revering her so.)

Well, I could write so much more about this than I have time to do right now, but in short, as the year went on, she seemed to become more and more distant from me. On several occasions she cancelled plans to hang out together and didn't express any interest in rescheduling. She also seemed to pick up a lot more friends in school, so many, in fact, that she developed what she termed a "social circle." She seemed to change a lot after she met these new people. She used to be somewhat isolated, like me, and not know too many people, so maybe I can't blame her for taking the opportunity to fit in a group. It's part of human nature to want to "fit in." Before, she was a non-drinker, like me (I don't wish to label drinking as "bad" because I know a lot of people do it, and that's fine, but I don't enjoy it myself and I do desire that my future partner(s) feel similarly to me about it), but she started drinking socially with these people and even enjoyed getting drunk with them. She became exceedingly arrogant and exclusive. I felt that she didn't even desire friendship with me anymore.

And in fact, she plainly said that she didn't want friendship with me anymore. In her own words:

"Of course I don't need your friendship. I have my friends who I see everyday, and you have yours, and frankly, it's hard to make time for something that's outside of that life."

Ladies and gentlemen, a statement like that really hurts when you thought that you were good friends with the person who said it, and especially if you have known that person for over a year.

It's been four months since I have last talked to her, and I decided that I would have nothing to do with her right after she said that. Yet, it still hurts me to think of how much I revered the person who could say those words. I am by no means perfect, and that she could harbor some consternation towards me at times is completely justifiable, but I believe that I've been a very good friend to her on the whole, and I am in no way deserving of a statement like that. She does not deserve to know me any longer. However, I do sometimes wonder if my (non)-action was the best thing to do. Isn't casting her off as one of my friends (something I never told her; I just stopped talking to her) similarly loathsome? I've never rejected friends before. But I suppose that she was never a true friend, and what she said to me was truly hurtful, so maybe the moral ramifications are a bit blurry. ^^

I was bitter over this for months, and Carolina still to this day pops up in my dreams often. In those dreams, she is often a figure who is taunting me. In the latest dream, we were talking about our "relationship" (or what there "was" of it). I asked her if she ever had feelings about me, and she said that she did in the beginning, but I didn't play my cards right and she started to meet new people, so there's no way she could ever feel anything for me again.

Why does this person still affect me? Maybe because, as I said above, she was the first girl that I had legitimate reasons to like because I spent a lot of time with her. I even think that I fell in love with her, although it was a one-sided love. It's my first experience feeling emotions like this, so maybe that's why she still affects me greatly. I think that I will be mentally stronger through this experience, so I don't really regret going through it; I just wish that I could forget about her!