Chauntecleer of the Pricking Cock

What a coincidence...it's 3:40 a.m. again, and once more, I CAN'T SLEEP!

The culprit this time is the feeling that I'm a failure. I don't have a good job, and I haven't been able to get any job that I've applied for. Before anyone encourages me that it's not my fault, and that things will eventually go my ways, I must stop you and say THAT IT IS MOST DEFINITELY MY FAULT.

I haven't been trying hard enough to get a better job. A lot of it is that I really hate job hunting, and the very thought of resumes and cover letters makes me want to throw up. I'm not joking; when I read about this subject matter, I become nauseous. The natural inclination for my brain is to be off somewhere else; in fantasy lands and exploring philosophical thoughts. The business world seems so boring and sterile to me! And yet I must sacrifice 60 percent of my waking hours to it if I want to survive in the future.

The organization of how I spend my time has been dreadful. My environment is not conducive for concentration. However, that is just an excuse. For the past year, I have been full of miserable excuses, and I'm not tolerating it from myself any longer. I am depressed right now; depressed because I'm not self-sufficient, depressed because I am incredibly lonely and have so few friends. I could very easily pity myself, but pity is the one thing that I DON'T need. Maybe I'm not totally to blame for my situation, but I assure you that I'm responsible for at least 90 percent of it. But no more.

I am disgusted with myself. There has been one other time in my life when I have felt similarly pissed off with myself for allowing myself to become a fat tub of lard, but I didn't tolerate it anymore and whipped my fat ass into shape and lost about 80 pounds doing so. I am due for another ass-kicking. And only I can do it.

The most important thing for me to do is to change my environment. I need to get out of my parents' house. I need to become my own man. There is no more time for me to act like Hamlet, being all talk but no action. I simply need to restructure my life and become a Man of Action. I believe that this Man is inside of me, somewhere, hidden, but until he surfaces, I will only be a Child.

I have no more time for my childishness.

I need to become a man.