Chauntecleer of the Pricking Cock

EDIT: Sorry for illegibility. It's 1:30 a.m. here and I'm TIRED!

My mother always gives me grief about not having a girlfriend.

Here are some quotes of my mom regarding my lack of pimposity (is that a word? It is now. :P ).

"Scott, are you gay?"

"I know a really nice girl that you should hang out with. She's young, lonely, has money, and has no diseases." (Gee, what kind of diseases are you speaking of, mother? AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?)

"Scott, you need to hurry up and get a girlfriend. If you don't get one now, all you'll be able to get is a used woman." (Used as in HOW? AND, mother, doesn't it matter more about WHO SOMEONE IS and how we get along rather than merely her sexual past? Yes, I'm not a fan of promiscuity and casual sex, but I could understand if a woman that I'm interested in had sex in past relationships. There's so many more factors than just that to consider.)

"Scott, most other guys your age are doing it right now. RIGHT NOW."

. . .


"You're gay, aren't you? Are you going to marry a man?" (Yes, mother, I AM! Gay guys hit on me all the time, and I'M NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT! Must be the music degree...)

"I was pregnant with you when I was your age! YOU'RE BEHIND!"







And so on and so forth. I could go on and on, BUT I SHALL SPARE YOU!

My mom is simply really desperate to have grandchildren. She loves kids...she even works as a preschool teacher because she loves kids so much. In fact, I'm sure if she had the power, she would have never allowed me to grow older than 3 years old or so. I'm the only child, so it's up to me to get some action or else she suffer from never knowing the joys of grandparent hood.

Why is she in such a hurry to be a grandparent? HAHAHAHA! (And why should we look forward to things in general? I'd prefer to concentrate on the present and enjoy the moment.)

I feel weird talking about females with my mom. I always have. I don't know why. I think that it has something to do with the fact that I "hide" most of my inner self from my parents. That is a topic for another post, of course, but in general, I feel as though they couldn't relate to the *real* me very much. My parents are very much affected by the perceived "norms" of society, and I get the feeling that they wish for me to conform to those norms. But I am nothing like a cookie-cutter American Male.

Back on topic. Because I never talk about girls with my mom, she assumes that I'm gay. I tell her that I'm not, but she still assumes so because of the petty little fact that I've never had a girlfriend. Maybe I should tell her that she is jumping to conclusions and making a logical fallacy?

Additionally, my dad is pretty insecure, and he never had the sex talk with me. I don't know if that means anything, but I do not feel comfortable talking about my feelings about girls or sex with them. I find it difficult to talk about my feelings in general unless it’s with people that I know VERY well and have a close friendship with (or typing away into the Internet Void). I suppose that I only reveal my Inner Self to my friends...the self that talks about how I feel...and I definitely do not have a "friendship" type relationship with my parents. That's not necessarily a bad thing...where does it say that one's parents have to be your friends too? It's not really their fault that I wouldn't consider having a friendship relationship with them as I only feel comfortable making friends with people in whom I sense some similarity. My parents and I are not similar in any ways other than physically (and perhaps the insecurity that I picked up from them).

Yet there is a part of me that wishes that my parents and I could achieve more of a friendship type closeness...but that would require that my parents could appreciate the REAL me, and it would also require that I get behind my parents' facades. They have been so affected by the messages of our society on how to behave that I feel as though they are nothing but caricatures of their real selves. Perhaps that does not make any sense. As a family, it seems as though none of us really knows each other. When I try to tell my parents about this, they do not seem too concerned. Don't bother us, the game is on.



Geez I've been going off on a tangent!

Why don't I have a girlfriend at my age? An Analysis

I'll be completely honest with you folks. I'm pretty old...kind of. I'm 24, and nearly 25. Mid-twenties. (It SUCKS to say that!)

1.) I live an isolated life. School. Work. Homework. I'm not a party-person, so I never feel like going to a club. Parks and bookstores are more my kind of thing. I prefer quiet reflection to joining the fray of the social scene. Furthermore, I live in the suburbs far away from both my school and my places of work. There's simply NOWHERE TO GO!

2.) I still live at home. Yes, I'm not alone in that lots of people my age still mooch off mom and dad. I have recently landed a music teaching job, but I don't get my paycheck until MID-NOVEMBER. Additionally, school tuition has RAPED my wallet, so I'm DIRT POOR for another month! And once I DO start getting checks, I'm not sure that I'll be making enough to get an apartment, buy food, buy gas, AND pay for school.

Most importantly, my house has never been a good place to have friends over. My dad hates visitors of all kinds, and it's just not a pleasant atmosphere. I'd love to have friends over if I had my own place, but I don't yet!

3.) I'm overcoming a HUGE, LIFE-LONG fight with low self-esteem. See, growing up can be hazardous in our junk food, instant-gratification society. I've been isolated for my entire life, and therefore, as a child, I resorted to watching TV and playing videogames for both entertainment and company rather than playing outside with friends. Again, THERE IS NO PLACE TO PLAY OUTSIDE IN THE SUBURBS! Not my neighborhood, anyway. Junk food seems to go hand-in-hand with TV watching, so it is no wonder that I became A FAT ASS! I've been fat most of my life, though I have lost a lot of weight in the past year or two. In fact, many people have told me that I look very good now (especially gay guys...again, not kidding), but it's difficult thinking of yourself differently when you've been ashamed of yourself for your entire life.

Is my current hatred of television becoming clearer? HAHAHAHA! When I say that it stole my childhood, or rather, that I let it steal my childhood, I am not kidding. But at least I'm taking action now.

4.) Due to a combination of the above reasons for my lack of pimposity in addition to Fate, I simply have not met any compatible girls yet. In the past year or two, there have been a number of women interested in me (I believe the number is around 10 or so), but I haven't felt that any of them were right for me. Above all, I desire a great friendship and to be with someone that I can feel comfortable revealing my REAL SELF to, and she must feel the same about me. I have simply not had enough in common with these women to pique my interest. Then there are those such as Carolina, who I DID like very much, who have had many similar interests, but things simply did not work out.

I'm hoping that by pursuing my interests now, I will be able to one day meet people, and especially women, that I could naturally become friends with.

I am not interested in jumping into relationships quickly. Why should I commit to someone that I don't know? If I'm going to kiss somebody, then I must know WHO it is I am kissing on more than a superficial level. I can only know a person that well if we become friends.

I know that relationship advisors say "don't fall into the friend trap," but I don't care. Sure, I know not to reveal too much of myself too quickly, and I won't...women are attracted to excitement and mystery, I know that!...but if I get into a relationship with someone, it will be natural and not forced. I think that it will just happen.

Therefore, I refuse to use internet dating sites. Sure, if I simply logged onto these sites, I'm sure that I could find plenty of desperate women. But I don't want a desperate woman. I desire a strong, independent woman who is, yes, beautiful to me (but what is beautiful to me is not the Barbie Doll Standard of Beauty fed to us by Society. Most importantly, she must engage my mind. I will not enter a relationship based on ritual and appearance; we must INTERACT with each other. Life is an adventure; I need an adventuring partner.

This strong woman that I speak of does not put any stock into dating websites. She is like me; she believes that love, if it does indeed exist, we occur naturally. Until then, she, like me, is focused on building herself; she realizes that it is not possible to truly love another unless one loves oneself. She knows that she's the best friend that she'll ever have, and that is quite enough. That is, she'll think that until she meets me. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!



All of this concludes in point number 5:

5.) I HAVE FREAKIN' HIGH STANDARDS, AND I'M NOT SACRIFICING THEM FOR ANYTHING OR ANYBODY. Are my standards too high? Maybe some would say so, but I don't think that they are unreasonable. I simply have specific things that I'm looking for in a partner. A potential partner must meet certain criteria, because knowing myself, I know that I need a person with certain qualities.

I'm not going to list all of these qualities, but I will vaguely say that the qualities that I'm looking for the most are:

1. IMAGINATION
2. INTELLIGENCE (maybe interchangeable with Imagination?)
3. HONESTY (To herself and to others. This includes her having the strength to never do anything that would sacrifice her beliefs and ideals. She must know herself well; she must LOVE herself so much that she would never fathom sacrificing herself. It is because she chose to be the person that she is that I will love her.


There are more qualities, but it's apparent that I'm not likely to hook up with some random chick at a bar. :P


I suppose I seek true love. I don't want to get in a relationship just for the heck of it; why should I emotionally abuse some poor girl when I know from the beginning that it can't last? Therefore, I will only entertain the idea of entering a relationship with someone when I sense that it could possibly last. I know that things might not last, but there must be that possibility.







I don't feel as though my parents, and especially my mom, understand this view of love. To me, their relationship seems rather unloving. They have next to no common interests with each other. They never get lost in conversation with each other. Heck, they even sleep in SEPARATE ROOMS. I have reason to believe that they have not had sex in over 10 years. What holds the marriage together? Routine, I think, and also ME. And recently, the doggy (a new addition to the family...everyone loves the doggy!)

MY PARENTS' MARRIAGE IS PRECISELY THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP THAT I WISH TO AVIOD.

My mom married my dad when she was 19. That is young...practically still a kid. How could she have had time to truly discover herself? My dad is terribly insecure now...would it stand to reason that if he's insecure now, that he's always been insecure? Perhaps he felt as though she was the only woman he could get. I know it sounds horrible to speak of my own parents' relationship like that, but I don't sense the love. I don't sense the wonder. Thinking back, I don't remember a time where it even existed.

I kind of suspect that their early marriage was due to physical lust. But beyond lust, what is there? Not much. Sex probably ceases to be fun when you realize that you're sleeping with a stranger. (Or would that make it doubly fun? Hahaha. Kidding.)

BUT AT LEAST THEY MADE ME! GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS ME!

And for that I am thankful. Life is full of beauty and wonder yet untold to me, and I'm glad that I have an opportunity to drink of it.






So when my mom compares me to my 13 year old cousin, who is taking not one, but TWO girls to his homecoming dance, well, mom, I SIMPLY DON'T CARE!

Maybe I'll provide you with grandchildren one day, but there's no rush. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

But if it does, it will happen on my terms, and above all, those terms are simply that I will never, EVER sacrifice myself.