Chauntecleer of the Pricking Cock

It's 3:40 a.m., and I can't sleep.

I have been thinking about how innocent I am, how little of life that I have experienced. Normally this doesn't bother me much, but it seems that nearly everyone around me who were only recently in a similar state of innocence as me seem to be losing it and growing up. I haven't, and I don't know if I ever will.

Yes, I am talking about sex.

I have always been a weird one because I have never particularly felt that losing my virginity is absolutely necessary. I would like to lose it one day, and hopefully I will, but I have always wanted it to be on my terms. And I have had some opportunities to lose it, but they weren't on my terms, so I did not take them.

I know that sounds selfish. And it is.

What are my terms? Mainly, that whenever it shall be that I have sex, it must be meaningful. I do not want to sleep with someone whom I don't care for and vice versa. That would just be a meaningless physical act to me, and that act could bring disastrous consequences such as a STD or an accidental child. I am not in a situation in life to support a child right now, so that's a huge reason for my abstinence.

Yes, I am waiting for the right person; I want to be able to tell her that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me and that I have waited my whole life for her. I think the right person would think the same of me, and regardless of whether she is a virgin herself, I want her to truly appreciate that I have been sexually responsible thus far (i.e. no STDs, no unwanted babies, etc.) and to know that she is so important to me that I waited for her, and not just any opportunity to lose it. In short, she must be special to me, and I to her.

What I am speaking of is love; I must love her, and she must love me. Of course, I have never been in love before (well, maybe I have been in love, but it wasn't reciprocated....*sniff*), so I really have no idea what it feels like to be in such a state. I really can't comprehend being loved in return in any romantic sense. It would seem to be a beautiful thing.

Because I have no experience with love, I may have a wacky notion of what this ideal love would be like. Basically, I think that the type of relationship that I want to be in would be one that would be fucking great even if we had no sex at all. I want someone with whom I can share my world, and I want her experience hers in return. I want each other to fuel the other's imagination and creativity. I just want someone who can be a true companion...I want someone who will be my best friend in the world. Most importantly of all, I want the very presence of each other to transport us both to a childlike state of being, of having this sense of unlimited possibility and curiosity. I seek my soul mate.

That we will eventually have sex is merely a (great) bonus. It's not the basis of any relationship that I'd want to be in. Being in lust with someone might be fun in the meantime, but in the long run, it seems empty, from what I have observed.

I must admit that it is sometimes hard to hold out on sex for so long. It is difficult to feel so childish when compared to my peers who are experiencing the very adult activity of sex and enjoying it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm depriving myself while I'm in my sexual prime (supposedly). And really...if I lived in a world where there were no negative consequences and I did not have my insanely high ideals of love and sex, I would be lying if I said that I really didn't want to sleep with the girl that offered. But I suppose that these are my beliefs, and they are strong, apparently. I'd feel like I'd be selling myself out if I settle for anything less.

The Realists shall tell me that my ideals and standards are set too high; that nobody can possibly meet my standards. They shall tell me that I'm missing out on possibly the greatest thing life has to offer. They shall say to me that there really are no such things as soul mates, that love doesn't really exist, and even if it did, it doesn't last forever and I'd just get hurt in the end. And maybe they are right.

But despite the odds, I believe that there is someone out there for me. Someone great. Someone worth all of this waiting. I think the day that comes will be much greater and meaningful for me because I waited, and yes, I think that the sex will be so much more fucking awesome than just casually sleeping with someone because it will mean a great deal to both of us.

That thought gives me hope. That thought gives me strength. And in some ways, I am certainly grateful that I am still a virgin, because I still have one of life's great experiences...and mysteries...ahead of me! I still have a journey, and like the saying goes, I am merely "stopping to smell the roses" along the way. There is no rush to life. This is a race that I don't want to finish first!

But just for the record, how do I cope with all of this waiting and sexual frustration, you may ask? Masturbating! And lots of it!

(Oh come on, you guys know that you do it too, hehehe.)