Chauntecleer of the Pricking Cock

It's now 12:30 a.m., and I need to get up at 5, so I'll try and keep this short!

The past year has been largely a waste for me. I graduated with a degree in Music in 2005, but I have done very little since then. My parents just wanted me to get a job - any job! In truth, I had a minor job teaching saxophone lessons to middle and high school students, and it does pay very well per hour; the problem was that I just didn't have a lot of students! After I graduated, I went through a long period of not knowing what to do with my life. I had known for several years that I really didn't want to go into music as a full time career, but everyone in my family stressed the importance of simply finishing my degree. (The story of why I chose to study music and my subsequent disinterest in it shall be told on another day!) "Finish your degree, and you can do lots of jobs! It doesn't matter which degree you get!" they told me. While that may be technically true, the fact was that I had no clue of what to do with myself. And it scared me to death.

Despite my general confusion of what to make with my life, I was hesitant to start on my job search. Soon after my graduation, I began to look at job postings and the like, but they all seemed so uninteresting! The typical job that is advertised in job postings, you see, is often a "practical" job. In other words, the only reason to take such a job would be to simply make money to make ends meet; this job does not foster creativity nor inspire the imagination. This type of job is often located in an office of sorts, and it would involve some sort of stifling (to me) routine, be it completing forms and paper work on a daily basis or entering numbers onto a spreadsheet. I am by no means a practical person; I am someone who adores imaginative life and who adores ideas and theories. In other words, I am abstract; I do not cope well with practical routine. I kid you not, but every time I worked on my job search, I felt nauseated! I could only envision a corporate world of cubicles and water coolers, and it terrified me! How could I seriously apply for these jobs and get hired if it was obvious (and trust me, it would be obvious to the interviewers) that I really, really, REALLY did not want to be there?

So the year after graduation wore on. I kept on doing my saxophone gig largely out of contentment, and I began to slide into a depression because of my sliding sense of self-worth. Everyone in my family - my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, and my parents - made it clear to me that I was being useless. With every passing day my depression became deeper, and it was only made worse by my confusion and anxiety of what to do with my life. A college graduate, I told myself, has no business living at home off of his parents. To make matters worse, my confidence took a large blow when the Carolina fiasco happened in January (I wrote about that earlier), and I began to feel VERY lonely. I have few friends in general, and I don't get to see them too often, either. I am an only child, so I have no siblings to confide in when my parents drive me crazy. I have grown up extremely self-conscious and with low self-esteem due to being very fat as a kid. Throughout my entire life, I have had enormous troubles simply relating to people. I have grown up isolated, and I am still somewhat isolated still.

But then something wonderful happened! I don't have time to write in-depth about this now, and I'm not exactly sure how it happened anyways. Perhaps I shall analyze the "why" of this sometime soon. What is this wonderful thing?

I FINALLY DISCOVERED WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

What is it that I want to do? I've written about this before, but I want to study English and get into creative writing. I have always loved books and learning, but I only recently discovered just how much meaning words have to me. Again, now is not the time for me to chronicle how I discovered this, but I will surely do that soon! I only wish to state what I am now doing with my life. The year of inaction is OVER.

Now begins THE YEAR OF FURY!

I hate traditional, practical jobs. Hate them. Hate them with a purplely passion. Therefore, I have simply expanded on something that I like doing....teaching saxophone lessons! I am now teaching at four schools, and I should have around 50 students. It's a job that allows me a great degree of creativity, and I am good at it. I enjoy interacting with the kids, and music is something that can bring great fulfillment to a person. I will be very busy doing this.


Furthermore, I say "SCREW YOU, SOCIETY, I'M GOING TO LIVE AT HOME AND SAVE MONEY!" I realize that I need to become more self-sufficient, and I am becoming such, but there is a great societal stigma attached to people over the age of 20 who live with their parents, and especially males. I simply don't care about such stigma anymore. Now I am busy with my job, so it's not like I'm sitting in the basement playing Everquest all day. And while I am making pretty good money teaching now, I am certainly not rich, and I do have one great expense. What is that expense?


I'M GOING BACK TO COLLEGE, AND I'M PAYING FOR IT MYSELF! As I stated, I have always loved English. It was my favorite subject in high school, and I have always wondered, "what if I had gone into English....what if?" I had always regretted that I loved the subject so much, and yet was not trained in it. But that miraculous something happened not too long ago. The idea came into my mind that I only have one life to live, and despite the difficulties, despite the fact that I have never studied English before, I HAVE to go back to school and study it precisely because I love it. I must follow my dreams. If I don't, then I might as well die right now.


So now I'm going back to school and taking two English courses in addition to my teaching gig. What is my goal with taking these courses? Well, I desire to attend graduate school in English in the hopes, I kid you not, of becoming an English professor. Specifically, I want to concentrate in creative writing and teach writing courses at the university level, but I also want to do a bit of literary criticism. So I want to both study literature and write it. I will admit that I know next to nothing about this subject right now, but that is exactly why I'm studying it now...to learn and develop skills that will enable me to master this craft! English and writing has great imaginative appeal to me; the study of this subject will develop my mind and allow me to open up my inner creative universe! It's a dream, and I might not accomplish it, but I'm going to give it everything that I have, damn it!

So now my life is looking up precisely because I have now found my purpose...my mission. More on this later!